162% Fubar

Dear Captain Fubar,

Maybe you are right, maybe it is all just too f*cked up beyond all repair....

53% Divorce rate for Marriages in America
40% Divorce rate for Marriages that suffered a stillbirth
+ 69% Divorce rate after an affair is discovered
162% Divorce rate for a marriage that has endured the crap we have....

Yep, that sounds about right....

Signing off,

1st Mate of the SS Fubar

Goodbye +1

Dear Shitty,

As they went around taking a head count for our Christmas party at work...the sheet read with a list of names followed by +1......and it was then I realized. I am no longer a +1....more accurately you could say I'm -1 these days.

Your +1,

W

Stage IV Grade IV

Dear Corpse of my Former Husband,



Is it time to stop fighting.... time to stop hoping....time to stop trying....time to let go? Have you given us a terminal diagnosis that I have not been ready to hear? Are we doing the dead man's rally.....where someone you could swear was knocking the door suddenly seems to miraculously start doing better only to be dead by the end of the day. You suddenly have come around again...or at least 1/2 of you...is this only going to lead to you back to your catatonic state.

Stage IV...you know it is a death sentence, just not sure when

Grade IV...like wildfire....it spreads like wildfire. One day there is nothing, the next a stomach sized tumor has invaded all your major organs.

You fight and fight and fight and fight...your told you can make it....it will be OK.....that there is still hope....but then one day the doctor walks in the room and tells you it is time....time to give up, throw in the towel....accept that you are going to die soon....that the war is over.

It is so difficult to find peace with dying when you have been fight mode for so long....Always conflicted with wanting to feel the peace and acceptance of letting go but not wanting to let go of the hope...

Is it time for me to give up hope? I'm I looking for hope in a hopeless situation?

Robbed Blind,

Your Wife

Vacation?!

Dear Craptastic Hubby,

I'm not sure what it really means if I am actually looking forward to my surgery this week. I wish it was really a vacation, but in some strange way it feels like a weird blessing to be forced to sleep; to be rendered physically out of commission for a few days. I need a break....



Maybe I can take a vacation in my head while I'm asleep during the surgery....Mexico, Bahamas, Hawaii....definitely somewhere tropical....where the sun would warm my soul, my feet would be buried in the sand and the margarita would feel cool going down. You think the anesthesiologist takes requests?

Unfortunately, there is probably not enough pharmaceuticals in the world that would even let me forget for even a few hours....even though if you told me it would, I'd probably give it ago....sometimes I want to run away too.


Well, at least part of everyday lately....I fight the urge to check out...

my day typically goes like this:

wake up (without you)

get dressed and pack our girl's stuff for the day (without you)

wake her up, dress and feed her (without you)

hope to catch a smile or two to carry my through the day

Fight every inch of me that wants to stay at home with our baby

don't kiss you goodbye, don't say I love you more and have a great day, drive safe

drive to the sitter's and begrudgingly drop her off

drag myself into work, but somehow welcoming the distraction

painstakingly watch the minutes tick by for my shift to end while obsessively checking my phone to see if you called wanting to see her....or me

Leave work to pick-up our girl

wonder if you decided to be cruel and take her from the sitter's

breathe a sigh of relief when I get there and realize you know I would make your life a living hell if you tried

take our baby girl home (without you)

play with her and talk to her about her day (without you)

read books with her (without you)

give her a bath and feed her (without you)

hold her as she goes to sleep and sing her songs (without you)

put her to bed kissing her and telling her sweet dreams (without you)

Desperately try to keep myself busy with mindless things

wonder if I take an ambien at 8:30 would last until morning

Check my phone looking for a text from you

cook dinner or baked goods...I call it cook therapy (without you)

force myself to eat a few bites food (without you)

wash her bottle and get things ready for the next day (without you)

check my phone for a message from you

wonder what you are doing

wonder how you are ok with seeing out baby as little as you do

wonder why you are acting like this

Decide 9:30 is late enough and down an ambien like its tylenol

long for it to kick in, avoiding going to bed as long as possible

my eyes get heavy and I stagger into the bathroom and get ready for bed(without you)

I kiss our girl and say goodnight to Luke (without you)

pull the covers up and turn out the light (without you)

feel the weigh of the emptiness next to me

feel the hollowness of the room as it leaks into the rest of the house

Long for sleep to take over and let me escape for a few hours

give in and close my eyes

drift off to sleep (without you)

dream about you

wake up multiple times unsettled (without you)

look next to me hoping you'll be there

thinking about calling you....sometimes I do

make myself close my eyes again (without you)

sleep a few hours out of shear exhaustion (without you)

Do it all again (without you)

Moving on (without you)

....so yeah I'm looking forward to my surgery....mini-vacation. The kind every girl dreams of!!

Hope you are enjoying yours,

Mrs. So Stressed it is Making Me Phyiscally Sick

Isn't it Funny?

Dear Ghost of my Husband,

The irony that I obssessed about you dying while you were away and starting your affair. I couldn't conceive of you dying and being able to pick up the pieces and being able to move on...I thought you were the glue....

I hate to say it, but I think it would be easier if you were dead. Atleast I could live in the delusion that you loved me, and the relationship and person I thought we had and you were would still be intact.

Wow, how I never thought those words would past through my head about you...

Farewell mirage,

The Weeping Widow

P.S. I realize now, I'm the glue....

24 hours in 32 days...

Dear Ace,


This is how many hours you have spent with your daughter over the past month...Sit with that for a little bit...

You suck,

Mrs. Sick of Letting You Call the Shots

How....

Dear huband that I know is hiding somewhere in there,


I can't understand how you can come over to the house to see Isa, then are able to leave....and more importantly say you want to let this all go.

How can you stand in her room that was so lovingly created for both her and her brother and be ready to let that go.....how can you be ready to let go the nighttime routine of bathtime, books and the sweetest snuggles.....and that is just the beginning.

How can you say that you are ready to give up on us.....on this life....How can you say that, is it really that bad?

Confused as ever,

Your wifey

Nightmare

Dear Husband that I though I married,


I'm shaken....shaken to my core. There is not much sleep to be had around here lately, and seems to be getting smaller by the day. Even in my ambien laden haze the past week, the nightmares have started to come. I haven't been able to remember details about any of them except there was me.....there was you.....and there was a lot of pain. I've been waking up unsettled and rest broken, but then again, should I be surprised that I am dreaming of you?


So tonight, I drifted off to sleep on the couch, unmedicated which is amazing in itself, it was all clear as crystal as I shot straight off the couch with my heart pounding and bowling ball size pit in my stomach. I can remember every detail, see every moment and feel every emotion. We were fighting again....you were lying again...but this time you started to hit me as I was taking our girl and trying to leave. I felt you were about to go there, so I was trying to get an escort to help me leave safely with our girl. It was the middle of the night, and remember standing next to the front door when you came charging at me, and as you dragged me down the hallway after a sobering punch or two. I started yelling our address into the phone and sobbing Help! Help!

The neighbors gathered but no one stepped in. You stopped and played it off as if nothing happened and as they turned their heads you returned to beating me.

Then I woke up......and you weren't there. You had always been there up to this point. You'd hold me after a bad dream reassuring me it was just that, a dream. And whatever ludicrous thing that I had dreamt would never happen....there was a safety in your arms....

So I was weak, and I called hoping you would answer and comfort me....and maybe even tell me this whole situation was just that....a nightmare.....but you didn't answer....and I am left here with my broken heart, shaken soul and this lovely blog.

Holding out and not sure why,

Your patiently waiting wife

In the Quiet

Dear Ball-less Wonder,

There are only a few moments when I feel the hole that you aren't here. It is usually that moment as I just lay down at night, and realize that you aren't coming to bed....the spot next to me will remain empty....and how long it has been like that even if your were physically there. I wonder how long it will stay that way, and when it is filled, who will it be. It is in that moment that I feel the gravity of the situation and wonder how I ended up here exactly....and I wonder how it will end.

So what do you think about in that moment at night as you lay your head down on a pillow that's not yours, in a house that's not yours, in room....or living room....that's not yours, with the emptiness next to you.....so what are you thinking in that moment before you drift off to sleep. Do you realize the magnitude of the decisions you made, but stuff it down so quickly that you don't even notice?

Do you think about us.....do you think about your wife and daughter?

Quickly getting use to life without you,

Your Baby Mama

I Got It

Dear Douche Bag of a Husband,

We would joke that whenever you were oblivious to something, usually small, that I needed your help with; instead of getting mad and snapping at you I would say "I got it."

So it used to be opening the door when my hands were full, help carrying things in from outside, doing the dishes after dinner, but now.....now this is the ultimate "I got it!"

Our daughter....don't worry, I got it.

Ass kicking punt back into reality,

Your desperately trying to keep it together wife.

It is Time

Dear DH,

It is time. It is time for me to stand. It is time for me to keep the promises to myself, not just ones I made to you. It is time to put our baby girl is first, and I stop putting up with your selfish behavior.

It is time for you to gain clarity and get your priorities in order. It is time for you to stop making excuses and sit in the sting of what you have done. It is time for you to stop running, avoiding and blaming.

It is time for me to find out what I really want. To decided if I want to continue. The fight in me is no longer for us, it is for our daughter and it will remain that way. You want us to work? Then here is your chance to show it honestly, naked and bare.

I hope you can find yourself, because this is not you.

It is time....

It is time for you to leave.

Love and peace,

DW

Burn

Dear Liar,

Funny how this song is on the radio all the time right now....so fitting....

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and watch my cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
in my windpipe and I can't breathe
But I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High off of love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before I'm about to drown
He resuscitates me
He fucking hates me
And I love it
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't, come back
We are running right back
Here we go again. It is so insane
'Cause when it's going go
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in my bag
He's Lois Lane
But when its bad
It's awful
I'm so ashamed

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
It's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and watch me cry
It's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie.....

Love,

Mrs. Gullible

No. 1

Dear Hubs,

I can't believe it took me this long to put it together....I think I knew on some level, but I just put it all together in a very clear picture.

Four times you have freaked out, verbally beat me down and left....four times....each time siting nearly the same reasons....We are so different....you always had hesitations....I look good on paper....you should want to be with me since I treat you well....you just don't feel the sparks like you think you should....you don't feel like you can talk to me....and so on and so on....

No 1. February 2003- We were 3 months in, kind of at that point where we were either going to turn the corner and "do this thing" or we were going to call it "well, that was fun." We were on our way home from our first weekend trip with friends skiing...it was a good weekend. I sucked at skiing and that frustrated, but what did you expect for my first skiing?! So I remember so clearly we were riding in the back seat home and we were passing notes back and forth with playful flirting. Somewhere during the ride I wrote a poem about how I loved spending time with you, how I thought this was the start of something wonderful, and talked about you always saying, "Hey, Beautiful!" You always called me Beautiful...like it was my nickname....I felt so special...I wasn't use to someone telling me I was beautiful, but it was sure nice...surreal that someone could truly see me that way, but really really nice.

So, I got the guts to let you read the poem I wrote.....and from that point on it all felt different... to this day you never said "Hey, Beautiful" again....not even once more. You shifted in your seat for the remainder of the trip....as if you were waiting for the dentist to call you back for a root canal. The week that followed was awkward with you seemingly more distant everyday that passed....you assured me nothing was wrong, but in my gut I knew different. You found excuses for way you didn't want to hang out when we where inseparable up to that point...our conversations were flat...your eyes were blank.

Late that week, we started a dance I would have never thought we would still be dancing 8 years later....and it goes like this.

I asked and asked and probed and probed through out the week as to what was bothering you until you blew up on me over the phone one night at work telling me how unhappy you had been lately, how you just didn't want to be with me anymore, you felt something was missing, and so on and so on down the list I said earlier....you didn't speak nicely, you did not speak respectful...well you didn't speak really...you yelled...cutting me down as low as you could.

And you disappeared...

You answered no phone calls...you would not talk to me any further....no response to my messages....and then when I had said to myself, "Well I guess I was wrong and what I felt we were headed was wrong" You call, drunk at home alone, tail tucked and head hung, you asked me to come over so we could talk.

So, completely already head over heels for you, I say ok....you go on about how you thought about it and realized you did want to be with me and that you were just scared about starting a serious relationship with me...I treat you well....I had all the qualities you were looking for...we had fun together....so what was the problem? You should be happy as a clam with me, and so on and so on....

So we went on our way together, things seemed like they never really happened....I assumed we just stood and the proverbial fork in the road of new relationships....and we chose our path of "giving this thing a go." Every relationship has a gut check moment, right?!

This was No. 1....

XOXO,

DW

Can't Afford to Leave You....Can't Afford to Stay

Dear H,

I can't afford to leave you...literally....I can't afford a divorce...even if I want one; I can't afford it. We barely can afford our life as a married couple....certainly can't afford to separate it. Then there is the whole idea of separating Isa from being with us both everyday....don't even want to think of that....I know we always said we wouldn't stay together for our children, but so easier said than done.

I can't afford to stay can continue to be treated this way. It goes against every promise I made to myself and my children. I promised to not continue the circle that started generations before me...one of abuse, lying, low self-worth....I wouldn't teach those lessons to my children. I would make it different. I remember so clearly the day I realized my family could be anything I wanted it to be; that my story didn't have to be my children's story. I cried...cried tears of joy....you were there even though you probably don't remember that....but here I am not staring the crossroads in my face. If I stay will it be history repeating itself? Can things really change between us? Can life long habits be changed? Can a mountain of lies be forgiven?

So do I stay or do I go.....if only I knew the right answer....


Junk punk and a poke to the eye,

DW

Like a Crack Addict

Dear H,

I love that you want credit that you are "trying" for somethings. You reduced the number and kind of text messages and calls to K and you want credit.

I approach you yet again with an extremely pointed question about something you have done and you finally wised up to the fact if I ask I have hard evidence to back it....and I no longer accept "I don't remember" as an answer. So, you admit and want credit for not lying, even though you lied about it before in the past...I just didn't have proof.

I feel like I am talking to a crack addict that really needs to go to rehab and says they want to, but then they keep slipping back....and I they can say, "See I think I've made a significant decrease....doesn't that count for anything?"

Nope, you are still smoking crack....

Nope, your still lying...

Mwuah,

Your W

Busted.....again!

Dear Hubby,


You suck at lying....just thought I'd tell you. You can count this as an exercise in how to cheat better on your next wife.

XOXO asshole!

Your Fing idiot of a wife for continuing to put up with this

Small Victory?!

Dear DH,


I guess I am supposed to count it as a small victory that your anger towards me has decreased and you no longer dread being around me....yea for me!

So what happens now, if I don't want to be around you?

Keepin' it real,

Your DW

Reconciliation

Dear darling Husband of mine,

Is it because things where not living up to the utopic image in your mind?

The mortgage was smaller...the salaries were bigger...cars were nicer...the debt didn't exists...your wife was thinner... and more attractive...the career was more distinguished...the letters after your name were MD...the babies came later... all the babies lived...the bumps in the road were smaller....and further apart...you were always "in love" with your wife...that it worked on paper and in real life...the house was always magically clean...dinner was always cooked...you wanted to "be romantic" and do "surprises" for your wife....you'd want take her places....go on trips together...that you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of her...she would have great health....she would be into sports....she would drink....she would always know what to say....she would like the same kind of music...that she wasn't me...

And did the shear shock of "life", and denial of reality draw you to K? Did K bring you back to a place where you were single, and all of the "life" that has happened to you for one moment (well, actually many moments) felt like it never happened? Is that why?? It wasn't suppose to be like this, right?!

I guess the more important question now is can you reconcile your ideal with reality and be happy with that.....that looks like a lot of reconciliation, if you ask me!

Yours truly,

Your wife

Everything and Nothing

Dear H,

As I sit here next to you, I have so much to say...but then you already heard it all. So i have nothing to say....small talk is forced and uncomfortable....and pales in the light of the situation. Who gives a shit about what you remember about preschool anyway. Funny, how your memory works OK when you want it to...

I have felt a shift within me I never thought I would felt over the past week. I went from worrying you didn't love me and didn't even want to be around me....to ME not wanting to be around YOU!

Who has the dead feelings now?!

This is the first time I have ever felt like I didn't want to be around you.....that scares me....I always want to be around you and now I don't. As you would say, what does that mean? And how can I make myself feel something that's not there?

I guess there is only so much hurt one person can take....only so many lies. I guess I have reached my limit. I have reached a place of not caring...you are going to do what you want when you want without regard to me or us as a family.

If I feel any emotion towards you, it is anger....so I guess this is what you feel like.

Sincerely,

Your W

First of Many

Dear Love,



It has nearly been one month since the Earth cracked for the second time. the first being when L died and the 2nd being, well....you know. There are moments I feel you so near and it makes me believe that we can do this and we'll make it our on the other side stronger and more in love than ever.



Then...then there are moments you are so far away, and I am not even sure you want to come back.



I don't want to be the fool, but I don't want to be the person that gives up so easily when things get rough. So I am going to try this on for size.



Letters...letters to you speaking of my heart and whatever is in it at the moment. I know you'll probably never ready these and that's OK...probably better that way. I fear I don't know the balance of talking about it so we can work things out, and where it crosses into pushing you further away.



My hope is that these letters will let me say what my heart and mind need to say....as many times as they mean to say it.



Until next time my love,



Your Wife