Vacation?!

Dear Craptastic Hubby,

I'm not sure what it really means if I am actually looking forward to my surgery this week. I wish it was really a vacation, but in some strange way it feels like a weird blessing to be forced to sleep; to be rendered physically out of commission for a few days. I need a break....



Maybe I can take a vacation in my head while I'm asleep during the surgery....Mexico, Bahamas, Hawaii....definitely somewhere tropical....where the sun would warm my soul, my feet would be buried in the sand and the margarita would feel cool going down. You think the anesthesiologist takes requests?

Unfortunately, there is probably not enough pharmaceuticals in the world that would even let me forget for even a few hours....even though if you told me it would, I'd probably give it ago....sometimes I want to run away too.


Well, at least part of everyday lately....I fight the urge to check out...

my day typically goes like this:

wake up (without you)

get dressed and pack our girl's stuff for the day (without you)

wake her up, dress and feed her (without you)

hope to catch a smile or two to carry my through the day

Fight every inch of me that wants to stay at home with our baby

don't kiss you goodbye, don't say I love you more and have a great day, drive safe

drive to the sitter's and begrudgingly drop her off

drag myself into work, but somehow welcoming the distraction

painstakingly watch the minutes tick by for my shift to end while obsessively checking my phone to see if you called wanting to see her....or me

Leave work to pick-up our girl

wonder if you decided to be cruel and take her from the sitter's

breathe a sigh of relief when I get there and realize you know I would make your life a living hell if you tried

take our baby girl home (without you)

play with her and talk to her about her day (without you)

read books with her (without you)

give her a bath and feed her (without you)

hold her as she goes to sleep and sing her songs (without you)

put her to bed kissing her and telling her sweet dreams (without you)

Desperately try to keep myself busy with mindless things

wonder if I take an ambien at 8:30 would last until morning

Check my phone looking for a text from you

cook dinner or baked goods...I call it cook therapy (without you)

force myself to eat a few bites food (without you)

wash her bottle and get things ready for the next day (without you)

check my phone for a message from you

wonder what you are doing

wonder how you are ok with seeing out baby as little as you do

wonder why you are acting like this

Decide 9:30 is late enough and down an ambien like its tylenol

long for it to kick in, avoiding going to bed as long as possible

my eyes get heavy and I stagger into the bathroom and get ready for bed(without you)

I kiss our girl and say goodnight to Luke (without you)

pull the covers up and turn out the light (without you)

feel the weigh of the emptiness next to me

feel the hollowness of the room as it leaks into the rest of the house

Long for sleep to take over and let me escape for a few hours

give in and close my eyes

drift off to sleep (without you)

dream about you

wake up multiple times unsettled (without you)

look next to me hoping you'll be there

thinking about calling you....sometimes I do

make myself close my eyes again (without you)

sleep a few hours out of shear exhaustion (without you)

Do it all again (without you)

Moving on (without you)

....so yeah I'm looking forward to my surgery....mini-vacation. The kind every girl dreams of!!

Hope you are enjoying yours,

Mrs. So Stressed it is Making Me Phyiscally Sick

Isn't it Funny?

Dear Ghost of my Husband,

The irony that I obssessed about you dying while you were away and starting your affair. I couldn't conceive of you dying and being able to pick up the pieces and being able to move on...I thought you were the glue....

I hate to say it, but I think it would be easier if you were dead. Atleast I could live in the delusion that you loved me, and the relationship and person I thought we had and you were would still be intact.

Wow, how I never thought those words would past through my head about you...

Farewell mirage,

The Weeping Widow

P.S. I realize now, I'm the glue....

24 hours in 32 days...

Dear Ace,


This is how many hours you have spent with your daughter over the past month...Sit with that for a little bit...

You suck,

Mrs. Sick of Letting You Call the Shots

How....

Dear huband that I know is hiding somewhere in there,


I can't understand how you can come over to the house to see Isa, then are able to leave....and more importantly say you want to let this all go.

How can you stand in her room that was so lovingly created for both her and her brother and be ready to let that go.....how can you be ready to let go the nighttime routine of bathtime, books and the sweetest snuggles.....and that is just the beginning.

How can you say that you are ready to give up on us.....on this life....How can you say that, is it really that bad?

Confused as ever,

Your wifey

Nightmare

Dear Husband that I though I married,


I'm shaken....shaken to my core. There is not much sleep to be had around here lately, and seems to be getting smaller by the day. Even in my ambien laden haze the past week, the nightmares have started to come. I haven't been able to remember details about any of them except there was me.....there was you.....and there was a lot of pain. I've been waking up unsettled and rest broken, but then again, should I be surprised that I am dreaming of you?


So tonight, I drifted off to sleep on the couch, unmedicated which is amazing in itself, it was all clear as crystal as I shot straight off the couch with my heart pounding and bowling ball size pit in my stomach. I can remember every detail, see every moment and feel every emotion. We were fighting again....you were lying again...but this time you started to hit me as I was taking our girl and trying to leave. I felt you were about to go there, so I was trying to get an escort to help me leave safely with our girl. It was the middle of the night, and remember standing next to the front door when you came charging at me, and as you dragged me down the hallway after a sobering punch or two. I started yelling our address into the phone and sobbing Help! Help!

The neighbors gathered but no one stepped in. You stopped and played it off as if nothing happened and as they turned their heads you returned to beating me.

Then I woke up......and you weren't there. You had always been there up to this point. You'd hold me after a bad dream reassuring me it was just that, a dream. And whatever ludicrous thing that I had dreamt would never happen....there was a safety in your arms....

So I was weak, and I called hoping you would answer and comfort me....and maybe even tell me this whole situation was just that....a nightmare.....but you didn't answer....and I am left here with my broken heart, shaken soul and this lovely blog.

Holding out and not sure why,

Your patiently waiting wife

In the Quiet

Dear Ball-less Wonder,

There are only a few moments when I feel the hole that you aren't here. It is usually that moment as I just lay down at night, and realize that you aren't coming to bed....the spot next to me will remain empty....and how long it has been like that even if your were physically there. I wonder how long it will stay that way, and when it is filled, who will it be. It is in that moment that I feel the gravity of the situation and wonder how I ended up here exactly....and I wonder how it will end.

So what do you think about in that moment at night as you lay your head down on a pillow that's not yours, in a house that's not yours, in room....or living room....that's not yours, with the emptiness next to you.....so what are you thinking in that moment before you drift off to sleep. Do you realize the magnitude of the decisions you made, but stuff it down so quickly that you don't even notice?

Do you think about us.....do you think about your wife and daughter?

Quickly getting use to life without you,

Your Baby Mama