I'm not sure what it really means if I am actually looking forward to my surgery this week. I wish it was really a vacation, but in some strange way it feels like a weird blessing to be forced to sleep; to be rendered physically out of commission for a few days. I need a break....
Maybe I can take a vacation in my head while I'm asleep during the surgery....Mexico, Bahamas, Hawaii....definitely somewhere tropical....where the sun would warm my soul, my feet would be buried in the sand and the margarita would feel cool going down. You think the anesthesiologist takes requests?
Unfortunately, there is probably not enough pharmaceuticals in the world that would even let me forget for even a few hours....even though if you told me it would, I'd probably give it ago....sometimes I want to run away too.
Well, at least part of everyday lately....I fight the urge to check out...
my day typically goes like this:
wake up (without you)
get dressed and pack our girl's stuff for the day (without you)
wake her up, dress and feed her (without you)
hope to catch a smile or two to carry my through the day
Fight every inch of me that wants to stay at home with our baby
don't kiss you goodbye, don't say I love you more and have a great day, drive safe
drive to the sitter's and begrudgingly drop her off
drag myself into work, but somehow welcoming the distraction
painstakingly watch the minutes tick by for my shift to end while obsessively checking my phone to see if you called wanting to see her....or me
Leave work to pick-up our girl
wonder if you decided to be cruel and take her from the sitter's
breathe a sigh of relief when I get there and realize you know I would make your life a living hell if you tried
take our baby girl home (without you)
play with her and talk to her about her day (without you)
read books with her (without you)
give her a bath and feed her (without you)
hold her as she goes to sleep and sing her songs (without you)
put her to bed kissing her and telling her sweet dreams (without you)
Desperately try to keep myself busy with mindless things
wonder if I take an ambien at 8:30 would last until morning
Check my phone looking for a text from you
cook dinner or baked goods...I call it cook therapy (without you)
force myself to eat a few bites food (without you)
wash her bottle and get things ready for the next day (without you)
check my phone for a message from you
wonder what you are doing
wonder how you are ok with seeing out baby as little as you do
wonder why you are acting like this
Decide 9:30 is late enough and down an ambien like its tylenol
long for it to kick in, avoiding going to bed as long as possible
my eyes get heavy and I stagger into the bathroom and get ready for bed(without you)
I kiss our girl and say goodnight to Luke (without you)
pull the covers up and turn out the light (without you)
feel the weigh of the emptiness next to me
feel the hollowness of the room as it leaks into the rest of the house
Long for sleep to take over and let me escape for a few hours
give in and close my eyes
drift off to sleep (without you)
dream about you
wake up multiple times unsettled (without you)
look next to me hoping you'll be there
thinking about calling you....sometimes I do
make myself close my eyes again (without you)
sleep a few hours out of shear exhaustion (without you)
Do it all again (without you)
Moving on (without you)
....so yeah I'm looking forward to my surgery....mini-vacation. The kind every girl dreams of!!
Hope you are enjoying yours,
Mrs. So Stressed it is Making Me Phyiscally Sick
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