No. 1

Dear Hubs,

I can't believe it took me this long to put it together....I think I knew on some level, but I just put it all together in a very clear picture.

Four times you have freaked out, verbally beat me down and left....four times....each time siting nearly the same reasons....We are so different....you always had hesitations....I look good on paper....you should want to be with me since I treat you well....you just don't feel the sparks like you think you should....you don't feel like you can talk to me....and so on and so on....

No 1. February 2003- We were 3 months in, kind of at that point where we were either going to turn the corner and "do this thing" or we were going to call it "well, that was fun." We were on our way home from our first weekend trip with friends skiing...it was a good weekend. I sucked at skiing and that frustrated, but what did you expect for my first skiing?! So I remember so clearly we were riding in the back seat home and we were passing notes back and forth with playful flirting. Somewhere during the ride I wrote a poem about how I loved spending time with you, how I thought this was the start of something wonderful, and talked about you always saying, "Hey, Beautiful!" You always called me Beautiful...like it was my nickname....I felt so special...I wasn't use to someone telling me I was beautiful, but it was sure nice...surreal that someone could truly see me that way, but really really nice.

So, I got the guts to let you read the poem I wrote.....and from that point on it all felt different... to this day you never said "Hey, Beautiful" again....not even once more. You shifted in your seat for the remainder of the trip....as if you were waiting for the dentist to call you back for a root canal. The week that followed was awkward with you seemingly more distant everyday that passed....you assured me nothing was wrong, but in my gut I knew different. You found excuses for way you didn't want to hang out when we where inseparable up to that point...our conversations were flat...your eyes were blank.

Late that week, we started a dance I would have never thought we would still be dancing 8 years later....and it goes like this.

I asked and asked and probed and probed through out the week as to what was bothering you until you blew up on me over the phone one night at work telling me how unhappy you had been lately, how you just didn't want to be with me anymore, you felt something was missing, and so on and so on down the list I said earlier....you didn't speak nicely, you did not speak respectful...well you didn't speak really...you yelled...cutting me down as low as you could.

And you disappeared...

You answered no phone calls...you would not talk to me any further....no response to my messages....and then when I had said to myself, "Well I guess I was wrong and what I felt we were headed was wrong" You call, drunk at home alone, tail tucked and head hung, you asked me to come over so we could talk.

So, completely already head over heels for you, I say ok....you go on about how you thought about it and realized you did want to be with me and that you were just scared about starting a serious relationship with me...I treat you well....I had all the qualities you were looking for...we had fun together....so what was the problem? You should be happy as a clam with me, and so on and so on....

So we went on our way together, things seemed like they never really happened....I assumed we just stood and the proverbial fork in the road of new relationships....and we chose our path of "giving this thing a go." Every relationship has a gut check moment, right?!

This was No. 1....

XOXO,

DW